Saturday, August 11, 2001

Am I really a kinesthetic?

Sometimes I do question whether my primary method is Kinesthetic or whether it's Visual. My brother claims to be a Visual with Kinesthetic as a strong secondary mode. I question it because of how much I like to read and write (I always had my nose buried in a book growing up); but then I think about my afinity for planting things and working with dirt, mulch, and flowers. Kinesthetics are usually athletic and I wouldn't begin to describe myself that way (I was always the skinny uncoordinated one would be a team's last pick); but I really enjoy a game of volleyball or getting out on my bike and cranking out a trail.

Sometimes I wonder if we were really starved for physical affection growing up or not... was it as bad as we remember, or have our memories been colored by the years? And what has caused us to be so 'touch-sensitive' that we used to recoil if someone touched us that we didn't trust? I really don't know where the hostility towards our folks comes from, some days it's strong and I don't want anything to do with them, other days it's hardly there and I can stand to be around them. I'm not sure that 'hostility' is the right word, more like 'try my patience past the breaking point' or "I would prefer not to deal with your issues and foibles right now" or "why does it feel like they're an emotional vamp after I see them". I think it's a defensive reaction to their vamping, of trying to live through my brother and I because they have no dreams/hopes/excitement of their own. Home is never a place where my bro' and I go to relax, so when we're emotionally drained already and have to go there and they start vamping we react with anger to drive the vamp away so that we can rest. Unfortunately, it has the undesired effect of making the vamps get even more intrusive because they want to know why we're driving them away (which makes them vamp all the more). Nasty, vicious circle with a short-fused feedback loop (and my bro' and I can't always short it out before it escapes our inner dialogue). (Of course, after this rant, they're going to want to shower us with even more unwanted physical affection. [sigh])

At times I think there's a dark secret hiding somewhere in the attic. I have suspicions that things were not as rosy as they've always been painted with my parents' childhoods. Sure, they're both introverts, but sometimes their reactions are so skewed that I wonder what skewed them or if they've done the skewing themselves. It really doesn't matter as much to me anymore because we're both out of the house, past their sphere of influence, where their internal issues no longer actively impact us. And since I'm not the knight in shining armor whose supposed to slay their dragons; I'm not going to go poking into business that I want no part of. They created their life, and it's not dangerous to their health or to anyone else it's just not a happy life, and I choose to live my own life away from them. So we each have our own lives, and I'm happiest when I don't have to rub up against theirs.

Some of you are thinking that I'm an idiot for feeling that way (some of you are calling me worse names) about my folks. That I'm a bad son for not wanting to have them as part of my life or for not wanting to help them out. Um, okay, you're entitled to think that... Let's see if I can explain my reasons why (and why they're reasons and not excuses). How about this one; I'm not myself when I'm around my folks. It warps me to be around them; and I dislike myself after a visit with them because of the involuntary personality change that I go through.

Well, as interesting as all that is, it still doesn't answer my question of "were we starved for physical attention growing up?"... I think we had a sub-normal amount, which is to say I can't say we were denied it, but I remember other people's touches as being special (like Mrs Dooley's hugs) and I don't have that same feeling about any memories involving my folks. Maybe the other memories are happier because they were all of people who didn't vamp off of me, they were genuinely glad to see me and we're wanting anything from me. Hugs from my folks are more of the "because you're a bad son if you don't and I'll act all hurt if you don't", not the genuine "glad to see you" type.

Dead-end, not sure where I was planning on heading with this, but I obviously didn't get there.

posted by Wuphon's at 8:43 PM