Saturday, August 18, 2001

The Evening Wander - Aug 18

I feel like I should have gotten something done (like straighten up the office or my living room) this evening. Instead, I sat out on the back porch reading Calvin & Hobbes and reading one of my fitness books (a big one that reminds you of a textbook from your college days). It never did rain today, after threatening all afternoon. Right now, it's semi-cloudy and getting a little cooler. Maybe it will rain tonight (we do need it).

"Beginnings are such delicate times" (bonus points if you know where I got the quote from). It'll be interesting tomorrow to meet someone that I've been trading e-mails with for almost a month. As hard as you try not to, you always end up building a mental picture of the person which has no basis in reality. I'm looking forward to it, but I also wonder if I can keep from being tongue-tied. Still, you can't keep on trading e-mails indefinitely (at least I can't) without losing the momentum or spark that there was when you first met. I like the medium as a way to connect intially, or to supplement the relationship when you're apart, but my kinesthetic nature requires a healthy dose of real-world presence in order to keep the attachment sustainable.

I guess one of the questions you begin to ask when you get to be my age and you're starting to get to know another person is "what's the catch, why are they still single"... it's not a nice question to ask, but human nature compels us to ask it and consider it. Of course, that question cuts both ways... why am I still single, what's the catch with me? I try to focus on the possibility of "it just hasn't happened yet" rather than worry about what could possibly be wrong with either party. (That's not to say that if there is some obvious hang-up that should be addressed that you can just ignore the problem.)

Being in a relationship for about 4 years also makes it easier for me to avoid the "whoa is me, why aren't I married yet" syndrome. It also helps that I belive that I have some very good points that balance out my bad points. I've also found that my confidence has gone up now that I've taken control of improving my fitness level instead of just worrying about it getting worse. (They're right, action is better than sitting around and worrying, even if you don't see results.) Now, I still wonder sometimes why I'm still single, but then I look back at who I was 6 years ago compared to who I am now and I can see the massive improvements that continue to this day. So even though I still screw up on a daily basis, I know that the overall trend is upwards which makes it more a question of when than if.

Okay, the worst that can happen is she'll say no to future dates (trying to psych myself up here). It would really only bother me if she was a fellow kinesthetic (because they're rare). I have to keep reminding myself that there are other fish in the sea even if the water is so murky that I can't see them at the moment. My problem is that I don't like to concentrate on more than one at a time and right now I have multiple possibilities (some are more remote than others). Back in college there was one girl who I really wanted to date, but it seemed like we were destined to be two ships passing in the night (everytime one of us was out of a relationship, the other had just started one and we never synced). We were always friends until we lost touch, but it's always something that you think about from time to time. I can't even say that I have a method for choosing this one over another; it's more a matter that this timing has worked out while nothing is happening on the other possibilities.

At least I don't look as fat as I used to last December (I shouldn't after losing 35 lbs so far!)... still should lose another 15-25 pounds, but I don't have to rush it (I'm no longer obese according to the BMI charts, now I'm just overweight). That's a good thing because it means I don't obsess about being obese (and the corresponding effect on my self-image). Once I lose the rest of the spare tire around the mid-section, I'll look more like someone in their late 20s than someone who's in his early-30s (I have a boyish face, but the weight around the middle makes me look older).

So, into the breach; but if it doesn't work out at least I'll have tried. (I'm hoping it does.)

posted by Wuphon's at 8:44 PM