Wednesday, March 20, 2002

Orc pawn’s search for enlightenment

Pawn: OMG, I’m about to die! I hope I can make it to the guards!

*An Orc Centurian has slain a blue paladin. Your faction with blue paladins has gotten worse.

Pawn: Mr. Centurian, how many players have you killed?

An Orc Centurian: Uh, can’t count that high.

Pawn: And Mr. Centurian, how many times have you been killed by players?

An Orc Centurian: Uh, number much higher. Get headache.

Pawn: Don’t you ever get tired being killed over and over?

An Orc Centurian: *shrug* It’s funner when I gots my rusty sword.

An Orc Oracle: Young Pawn, perhaps you need enlightenment?

Pawn: I light the fires every morning, that burn in front…

An Orc Oracle: no no no, you need to seek enlightenment. Go into the world, seek out new people and new civilizations, boldly go where no orc Pawn has gone before!

Pawn: Ok, as long as I don’t get any Tribbles, err. get into trouble.

….

Pawn: Mr. Wizard?

Wizard: Whatz up kid?

Pawn: I seek enlightenment.

Wizard: You want enlightenment? Wohoo! I’ll show you enlightenment! See that bunch of pokey skeletons down there, wearing them red shirts?

Pawn: Yes?

A Wizard begins to cast a spell

Pawn: They’re exploding. It’s kind of sad really.

Wizard: Yeah, but by golly look at all that light! I enlightend them up in no time flat!

Pawn: That’s not what I meant.

Wizard: You’re right young lad. When night comes, I’ll do gravify flux first, and if I can get ‘em high enough, I’ll enlighten the whole half of the zone!

*Pawn sighs

…

Pawn: Mr. Enchanter?

Enchanter: Yes lad?

Pawn: I’m seeking the secret to enlightenment.

Enchanter: Of course. I’m an enchanter – I’m a master of enlightenment. First, you kill a lot of skeletons. Mr. Wizard can help you with that part. Then you hand in all the bones to the guard over there.

Pawn: How does that lead to enlightenment?

Enchanter: Don’t interrupt me please! Then you can use spells to make them like you more, but you’ve got to do the bones first. It’s amazing how 2000 bones to a single guard can turn you from a villain to a hero for the whole city.

Pawn: I think you mean alignment.

Enchanter: What’s what you said, alignment.

Pawn: I don’t think you can help me.

Enchanter: Hey, lets’s got to Freeport so you can see me turn into a piece of dung!

…

Pawn: Mr. Rogue?

Rogue: Who’se asking?

Pawn: Me

Rogue: Me who? Tell me who sent you and you’d better answer fast.

Pawn: An orc orace?

Rogue: Ok, as long it’s not the guards… They’re getting wise. What can I do for you young urchin.

Pawn: I’m a Pawn, not an urchin, and I’m seeking enlightenment.

Rogue: I’m a master of enlightenment

Pawn: Oh, please tell me how do I become enlightened!

Rogue: Well, you don’t become enlightened; others do. You sneak up behind someone, and enlighten them of their possessions. It’s real simple like.

*Pawns sighs

Rogue: Yeah, and when you get good at here’s what you do. You go to Rathe Mountains, and tell them druids that you want to practice your, um, skills. Then while them nature lovers have them all snared and running, you enlighten the giants. I got lots of plat that way.

Pawn: I don’t think you can help me.

Rogue: Suite our self young newt.

*Rogue hides into the shadows

…

Pawn: Mr. Bard?

Bard: Hey, can you hand me that drum over there? We need levitating.

Pawn: Here you go Mr. Bard. Can you help me?

Bard: Sure thing kid… First, on the count of 3, run to the base of the statue. 1… 1 2… 2 3… 3 go!

Bard: Ok, what did you want?

Pawn: I’m seeking enlightenment

Bard: Well, you’re in luck. I’m about to do a new great feat in enlightenment, stay with me and you can be a witness to the latest and greatest feat of enlightenment! And run up her staff like this; be careful; don’t fall.

Pawn: Where are we going anyhow?

Bard: To the top of the Statue of Firiona Vie of course! There’s where you’ll see the best enlightenment demonstration on the face of Norrath!

Pawn: Wow, it’s high here on her shoulders.

Bard: Ok, this is high enough. Now, let me put on my latest gnome tinkering device, Xoxxala’s In-Line boots.

Pawn: I meant enlightenment, not “In-Line”ment.

Bard: Whatever. Here I go!

Bard: Ladies and Gentlement, boys and girls, and orc Pawns too. I’m going to do a death-defying trick, of skating down FV’s shoulders, using her voluminous chest as a ramp to send me hurling out high above the FV outpost, and hopefully clearing the docks and landing safely in the water far over there! Give me a drum roll please!

(silence)

Bard: Pawn, please tap on the statue real fast like.

*Pawn taps on the statue real fast like

Pawn: The he goes… Ack!…. Ewwwwe Oh! Ugh! He didn’t clear the land. I guess he didn’t realize that the high elf statue used the old model, not the Luclin model.

….

Pawn: Mr. Sleeper?

Warder: Shhh… Don’t wake the sleeper.

Pawn: But I’m seeking enlightenment, and he is the most powerful creature in all of Norrath.

Warder: That he is, but he needs his sleep or he gets real cranky in a big way. You’re looking for enlightenment lad?

Pawn: I am sir. I’ve asked all kinds of people, and they haven’t been able to help.

Warder: Well, that sounds like you’re asking players. Here, let me tell you about the world. There are two kinds of people in this world… players, and monsters.

Pawn: That is very profound Mr. Warder, but I’m tired of dying over and over.

Warder: Well, when player dies, he fusses and cusses, whines and moans. Then he goes back to his corpse, summons all kinds of help from clerics or necros, and spends a great deal of time and energy, just so he can keep his stuff. Have you ever seen an orc crying over his lost rusty sword?

Pawn: No sir.

Warder: Us, we’re monsters. We die, and we come back. Over and over. If we loose a rusty or sword, or primal weapon, it’s no biggie. We’ll spawn with another one.

Pawn: You’re saying don’t worry about dying?

Warder: Of course not young Pawn! Look forward to it! Because, here’s the big secret. Sometimes, when you spawn again, you’ll spawn as a whole new and more powerful creature! Think of yourself as a caterpillar that will someday spawn as a butterfly.

Pawn: Thank you Mr. Warder! That makes me feel much better. I feel truly enlightened now.

Warder: Glad I could help. An oh Pawn before you go…

Pawn: Yes Mr. Warder?

Warder: When you die, try to say something like ruining their lands or something. It makes them feel better.

Pawn: Will do! Thank you again Mr. Warder.

(found somewhere, on one of the many EQ boards)

Labels: EverQuest

posted by Wuphon's at 11:10 AM