Friday, January 03, 2003

Stop the world

... I want to get off

At least, that's the way the phrase usually goes. One of the things that is different between how I was back in June versus now is how I react to messages on the answering machine. (I know, small silly thing, ne?) Now, I've always screened my calls (now I use Caller ID instead of always letting the machine pick it up) for about 10 years now. (I don't even know if I can explain this.) So, when I was in the pits, I just let the machine pickup every call. This means of course, that if there is a message that needs replying to I'll need to call the person back.

Except, that I'd put it off... I wouldn't play back the messages, but rather just let the machine sit there and blink. Why I wouldn't play them back? Hard to explain unless you've been there. Basically, you're operating at what feels like zero emotional capacity. You just don't feel like you can absorb / handle / deal with the uncertainties involved with returning the call (will they be in, will I have to deal with a receptionist, am I going to be turned down, some fear of rejection, or other social phobias will take root). But the key thing to remember is that you feel like you're already past your capacity to deal with life, so the operating mode that you're under is designed to protect you from the unfamiliar, the not certain.

So, every few weeks I'd suddenly just delete all the messages on the answering machine without even listening to them.

posted by Wuphon's at 11:11 PM